How to get a winter bod

Winter is coming.

It’s practically upon us really, there’s a fierce chill in the air.

You’re probably starting to panic now, thinking you’re not ready – there’s at least three pairs of shorts lying around that you didn’t get to wear all summer, and you don’t even know where your winter coat is, or if you’ll even fill it out after all those salads you ate when the weather was awful close there for a while.  I know, you didn’t feel like cooking when it was a sweltering 16 degrees out, but it’ll come back to haunt you soon enough.

I hate to break it to you, but the only way to get the winter body you’ve been dreaming about is to stop exercising.  I know.  It’s difficult.  But it’ll be worth it.  Say goodbye to those morning runs, or evening gym sessions, they’ll be no good to you in December, when it’s baltic out and you haven’t a pick on you to keep you warm.

Start eating way more food.  Like seven times as much.  Food in Ireland is usually served hot, so for starters that’ll keep you warm during the actual food consumption itself.  But even if it’s cold, horse into it, sure it’ll save you having to wear billions of layers of clothing if you just layer up naturally by eating loads and loads of buttery shpuds*.

Have a big dirty bag of cans every Tuesday.  Self-explanatory really, cans make you invincible so winter can’t do shite if you fill up on bags of cans.

It’s important to note that if you are struggling to get a #winterbod, in the meantime you can just wear loads of puffy layers of clothing, especially indoors, to make it look like you have one, and to keep you at a solid 40 degrees at all times.  As we all know, it’s often extremely difficult to gain weight on our ears, but never fear – you can just grab a pair of ear muffs to sort that and keep those li’l listeners nice and toasty – no one will suspect a thing.

Just stop moving altogether.  If you keep perfectly still your body will have no choice but to figure out how to keep you warm even when you’re not moving, so you’ll be a living radiator in no time.

Grow frost-proof skin.  This…  I’m not sure how to do this one yet actually but I’ll let ye know once I figure it out.

Feck it, just hibernate to feck.  Sorted.

G’luuuuuck.

*Disclaimer: Shpuds are actually class, I won’t have a bad word said about them, will you shtop.

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