How to get a winter bod

Winter is coming.

It’s practically upon us really, there’s a fierce chill in the air.

You’re probably starting to panic now, thinking you’re not ready – there’s at least three pairs of shorts lying around that you didn’t get to wear all summer, and you don’t even know where your winter coat is, or if you’ll even fill it out after all those salads you ate when the weather was awful close there for a while.  I know, you didn’t feel like cooking when it was a sweltering 16 degrees out, but it’ll come back to haunt you soon enough.

I hate to break it to you, but the only way to get the winter body you’ve been dreaming about is to stop exercising.  I know.  It’s difficult.  But it’ll be worth it.  Say goodbye to those morning runs, or evening gym sessions, they’ll be no good to you in December, when it’s baltic out and you haven’t a pick on you to keep you warm.

Start eating way more food.  Like seven times as much.  Food in Ireland is usually served hot, so for starters that’ll keep you warm during the actual food consumption itself.  But even if it’s cold, horse into it, sure it’ll save you having to wear billions of layers of clothing if you just layer up naturally by eating loads and loads of buttery shpuds*.

Have a big dirty bag of cans every Tuesday.  Self-explanatory really, cans make you invincible so winter can’t do shite if you fill up on bags of cans.

It’s important to note that if you are struggling to get a #winterbod, in the meantime you can just wear loads of puffy layers of clothing, especially indoors, to make it look like you have one, and to keep you at a solid 40 degrees at all times.  As we all know, it’s often extremely difficult to gain weight on our ears, but never fear – you can just grab a pair of ear muffs to sort that and keep those li’l listeners nice and toasty – no one will suspect a thing.

Just stop moving altogether.  If you keep perfectly still your body will have no choice but to figure out how to keep you warm even when you’re not moving, so you’ll be a living radiator in no time.

Grow frost-proof skin.  This…  I’m not sure how to do this one yet actually but I’ll let ye know once I figure it out.

Feck it, just hibernate to feck.  Sorted.

G’luuuuuck.

*Disclaimer: Shpuds are actually class, I won’t have a bad word said about them, will you shtop.

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How to get a six-pack in a week

I’ve done some serious core workouts over the past week and have therefore discovered how to get a six pack in one week.  Incase you would also like a six-pack, I’ve decided to share my newly-acquired knowledge with you.  Simply follow the steps below:

1. Get a chest infection

Once you have a chest infection, you will cough much more often and much more intensely than before you had one.  Coughing is the healthiest way to get a six-pack, because you expel loads of germs to everyone around you while coughing, making it more likely that they will get sick, and then you will naturally seem healthier in comparison.  Ideally, work in 749,323,402 coughing fits per day, to get the best results.

2. Be asthmatic

This gives a real kick to your cough routine, bringing in a solid cardio element to your workout, when your lungs and heart inevitably go into sprint mode after as little as one coughing fit.

Don’t use your inhaler though, just keep coughing, because it doesn’t matter if you can’t breathe, as long as you have a six-pack.

3. Have allergies

Allergies are great because you don’t even need to do any exercise to draw on a fit of coughing or sneezing, you just have to exist, and it will happen.  If your allergies aren’t up to scratch and haven’t caused you to have a sneeizure in a while, try opening a window, or going outside.  Simple things like air, sun and grass will soon get you back on track, coughing and sneezing to your heart’s content.

4. Lie down

Doctors sometimes advocate crazy things like “rest” when people are sick.  When you have a cold, what they actually mean, is “lie down”, because this makes you cough way more, so that you can get a six-pack seven times more quickly.  They have recently re-branded this concept as “science”.

5. Stress as much as possible

The more you stress, the more likely your stomach muscles are to be in bits tensed all the time.  So if you’re stressed 24/7, you can even take some breaks from coughing your lungs up, because your stomach will be in an absolute heap regardless.

Don’t even think about doing any sit-ups; this will only disrupt the flow of constant tension in your stomach, and your six-pack will disappear within seconds.

As we all know, there are no side effects whatsoever of constant stress, so make sure to stress all the time, for a lovely, toned six-pack.

6. Become a shelf

Fitness experts suggest exercises like planking to build a strong core.  One easy-to-follow method is to see how long you can plank for in one go, and try to increase that each time you work out.  Why not take it one step further, and become an actual shelf?  With this method, your core becomes as strong as a literal tree, and as an added bonus you then live for up to 200 years.

So there you have it, those are my tips on how to live for an extra hundred or more years, and get a six-pack, so you can post pictures of yourself on Instagram, incase anyone couldn’t tell you had a six-pack just by the smug look-at-me-I’m-class-I’ve-a-six-pack head on you.

That’s all now, nothing new with me sure y’know yerself.