How to get a six-pack in a week

I’ve done some serious core workouts over the past week and have therefore discovered how to get a six pack in one week.  Incase you would also like a six-pack, I’ve decided to share my newly-acquired knowledge with you.  Simply follow the steps below:

1. Get a chest infection

Once you have a chest infection, you will cough much more often and much more intensely than before you had one.  Coughing is the healthiest way to get a six-pack, because you expel loads of germs to everyone around you while coughing, making it more likely that they will get sick, and then you will naturally seem healthier in comparison.  Ideally, work in 749,323,402 coughing fits per day, to get the best results.

2. Be asthmatic

This gives a real kick to your cough routine, bringing in a solid cardio element to your workout, when your lungs and heart inevitably go into sprint mode after as little as one coughing fit.

Don’t use your inhaler though, just keep coughing, because it doesn’t matter if you can’t breathe, as long as you have a six-pack.

3. Have allergies

Allergies are great because you don’t even need to do any exercise to draw on a fit of coughing or sneezing, you just have to exist, and it will happen.  If your allergies aren’t up to scratch and haven’t caused you to have a sneeizure in a while, try opening a window, or going outside.  Simple things like air, sun and grass will soon get you back on track, coughing and sneezing to your heart’s content.

4. Lie down

Doctors sometimes advocate crazy things like “rest” when people are sick.  When you have a cold, what they actually mean, is “lie down”, because this makes you cough way more, so that you can get a six-pack seven times more quickly.  They have recently re-branded this concept as “science”.

5. Stress as much as possible

The more you stress, the more likely your stomach muscles are to be in bits tensed all the time.  So if you’re stressed 24/7, you can even take some breaks from coughing your lungs up, because your stomach will be in an absolute heap regardless.

Don’t even think about doing any sit-ups; this will only disrupt the flow of constant tension in your stomach, and your six-pack will disappear within seconds.

As we all know, there are no side effects whatsoever of constant stress, so make sure to stress all the time, for a lovely, toned six-pack.

6. Become a shelf

Fitness experts suggest exercises like planking to build a strong core.  One easy-to-follow method is to see how long you can plank for in one go, and try to increase that each time you work out.  Why not take it one step further, and become an actual shelf?  With this method, your core becomes as strong as a literal tree, and as an added bonus you then live for up to 200 years.

So there you have it, those are my tips on how to live for an extra hundred or more years, and get a six-pack, so you can post pictures of yourself on Instagram, incase anyone couldn’t tell you had a six-pack just by the smug look-at-me-I’m-class-I’ve-a-six-pack head on you.

That’s all now, nothing new with me sure y’know yerself.

Full Year Erasmus – Yay or Nay?

I struggle  so much with decisions that for my next serious one – that of staying on erasmus for a year or not – I’ve decided to compile a list of pros and cons for staying, and, in an attempt to make it even more accurate to what on earth would be best, I’ve actually weighted each pro and con by giving them a value based on how important they actually are.  Yeah I’m not even joking I honestly feel the list is necessary just to attempt to come close to a decision, and well, the weighting of each point just seems like the right to do to me and my apparently overly logical brain.

It makes sense, I swear.  I mean there were several arguments for and against that got zero points because they’re really not important in the grand scheme of things.

As it happens, I then discovered that as well as simply adding up the points for each side, I could also obviously change that into a percentage, and as we all know percentages are always more fun.  Go maths.

So, the current tally on the Full Year Erasmus – Yay or Nay? vote stands at:

Yay:  54%

Nay:  46%

Does that kind of highlight my indecision, just a tad?  I mean it couldn’t be much closer, it’s like the Scottish referendum all over again.

And I haven’t even finished the pros and cons list, not quite.

If I hadn’t weighted each pro and con, it would have resulted in the no vote being up 0.65% to a round figure of 47% versus 53% for a yes to staying for a year.

(I’m clearly having withdrawal symptoms ever since I stopped studying maths back when I finished school, leave me be.)

At this rate I’ll nearly have to resort to doing what I feared I’d end up having to do and just flip a coin over it.  And I’m not doing that…  I hope.

I’ve got about a week to make up my mind.  Wish me luck.

Any if you’ve any thoughts on whether a full year erasmus might be a good idea or not, feel free to let me know!

Trop Bizarre

I recently had one of my usual (at this stage) moments where I’m surrounded by native speakers of a language I can’t speak – except this time, it was English.  I’ve challenged myself not to speak that until I leave France, so when I was out for dinner, with all English speakers, to celebrate a friend’s birthday, needless to say I spoke less at the dinner table.  Normally, I literally can’t construct the sentences I want to add to group conversations in other languages (when I understand them), or I manage to do so in my head after the subject has been changed, so it was very strange when I could easily add something in English, but I didn’t want to, well, because of the challenge.  And it wasn’t too easy to change things into French, even if it was amusing sometimes attempting to directly translate things like Irish slang into French.  Allez les mecs.

It’s a very strange experience and I’m starting to wonder why I decided to do this, but I’ve started it now, so I’m going to continue.  I’ll get the hang of it eventually…

11 things that happen if you don’t have internet for 2 days

Oh look – a listicle.  List article.  List.  Whatever you want to call it.  Similar in design to many of those non-news stories which may pop up on your Facebook homepage if you’re unfortunate enough to use the slightly soul-destroying social media site.  (I haven’t managed to delete mine yet (if that’s even technically possible), but I have used it less over the last while, so that’s a start.)

So…  Here’s a super informative list of what happens (in my experience) if you don’t have internet for over two whole days.  Obviously, being a listicle, this contains unique and very wise insider knowledge that you just could not function or survive without:

1.  You socialise.

2.  You make friends.

3.  You exercise.  (I actually went for a run.  And it wasn’t even to a wifi hotspot.)

4.  You go exploring (especially if you’ve just moved to a new area, like I have, and need to find your way around).

5.  You go shopping.  (Proper, real life shopping, not online shopping.)

6.  You get enough sleep.

7.  You get into a good sleeping pattern.

8.  You meet up with people when you say you were going to meet up with them because you can’t contact them to say you might be late (taking a fully functioning phone out of the question because I’m abroad and haven’t got a sim card that works here yet).

9.  You go outside.

10.  You tidy, and in my case, unpack (in reverse order).

11.  You clean.

What?!  You do actual things?!?  Talk to actual people?!?!  Madness!!