How to get a six-pack in a week

I’ve done some serious core workouts over the past week and have therefore discovered how to get a six pack in one week.  Incase you would also like a six-pack, I’ve decided to share my newly-acquired knowledge with you.  Simply follow the steps below:

1. Get a chest infection

Once you have a chest infection, you will cough much more often and much more intensely than before you had one.  Coughing is the healthiest way to get a six-pack, because you expel loads of germs to everyone around you while coughing, making it more likely that they will get sick, and then you will naturally seem healthier in comparison.  Ideally, work in 749,323,402 coughing fits per day, to get the best results.

2. Be asthmatic

This gives a real kick to your cough routine, bringing in a solid cardio element to your workout, when your lungs and heart inevitably go into sprint mode after as little as one coughing fit.

Don’t use your inhaler though, just keep coughing, because it doesn’t matter if you can’t breathe, as long as you have a six-pack.

3. Have allergies

Allergies are great because you don’t even need to do any exercise to draw on a fit of coughing or sneezing, you just have to exist, and it will happen.  If your allergies aren’t up to scratch and haven’t caused you to have a sneeizure in a while, try opening a window, or going outside.  Simple things like air, sun and grass will soon get you back on track, coughing and sneezing to your heart’s content.

4. Lie down

Doctors sometimes advocate crazy things like “rest” when people are sick.  When you have a cold, what they actually mean, is “lie down”, because this makes you cough way more, so that you can get a six-pack seven times more quickly.  They have recently re-branded this concept as “science”.

5. Stress as much as possible

The more you stress, the more likely your stomach muscles are to be in bits tensed all the time.  So if you’re stressed 24/7, you can even take some breaks from coughing your lungs up, because your stomach will be in an absolute heap regardless.

Don’t even think about doing any sit-ups; this will only disrupt the flow of constant tension in your stomach, and your six-pack will disappear within seconds.

As we all know, there are no side effects whatsoever of constant stress, so make sure to stress all the time, for a lovely, toned six-pack.

6. Become a shelf

Fitness experts suggest exercises like planking to build a strong core.  One easy-to-follow method is to see how long you can plank for in one go, and try to increase that each time you work out.  Why not take it one step further, and become an actual shelf?  With this method, your core becomes as strong as a literal tree, and as an added bonus you then live for up to 200 years.

So there you have it, those are my tips on how to live for an extra hundred or more years, and get a six-pack, so you can post pictures of yourself on Instagram, incase anyone couldn’t tell you had a six-pack just by the smug look-at-me-I’m-class-I’ve-a-six-pack head on you.

That’s all now, nothing new with me sure y’know yerself.

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Coin Flip

On Sunday, my inability to make a decision finally resulted in me choosing to flip a coin, to help me figure out what I wanted.  And I’d been told that when you flip a coin to make a serious decision, it results in you generally realising what you want before the coin even lands.  Maybe that knowledge messed it up for me because in the time the coin was flipped into the air, spun and caught, all my mind was telling me was “I don’t know”.  I actually couldn’t decide.  The coin failed.  I failed.

Except I think I just had a delayed reaction to the coin flip, or it it didn’t have the same effect because I was so aware that it was going to make me decide so I panicked, was sort of scared, and couldn’t think.  Even a minute later, when I was told the coin had said ‘heads’ – which we had chosen to mean I would stay in France for the year – my reaction was disappointment.  I knew that it would have been the same if they had said it was tails, but from that moment on, and taking into account some advice from college friends who’d all already made their decisions long ago and without much difficulty, I started seriously thinking about leaving my erasmus at just one semester, instead of extending it to two.

I think I made my mind up on the day, within  an hour of  the coin flip, but I’ve been pondering it since to make sure I’m doing the right thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d still love to stay for the year, or come back to this town to live here for a while, but I think going home is the right decision.  If I stayed it would probably make college much more difficult, between various modules, and most of all, the equivalent of a thesis that we have to write at some point in the next year and a half.  Seeing as it’s half of third year and all of fourth year we’re talking about here, I’d rather not make things any more complicated than they should be.

I’ve had a massive weight lifted off my shoulders after that anyway.  Fully recommend making serious decisions at least a few days before the deadline (and no later) to everyone.  Except that’s generally what people do, isn’t it?  Yeah…  Well, I tried.  This is a much better result than my last few major academic decisions, which were made either on deadline day, or when it was too late.  Great day for the parish.

How to learn a language while on erasmus

All you need to do, is make sure English is not your native language.  And no matter where you do your erasmus, you will probably learn a lot of English.  Plus whatever the local language is, assuming it’s not English.  Two for the price of one.  Did I mention you’ll learn English?

What I’m trying to say is, it’s extremely difficult for native English speakers to learn other languages because it seems like everyone studies English and knows enough for conversation.  In fact, more often than not, they’ll know it better than the local language when on erasmus.

In other words, I’m blaming my lack of progression with French on what I’ve just said above.

In other words, being a native English speaker is fantastic (you’ll almost always be able to find other English-speakers no matter where you go) – unless you want to learn a language.

In other words, I’d really like to learn some French.